The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse: Behaviors Leading to Over 90% of Breakups

Couple Turned From Each Other

Have you ever wondered why some relationships fall apart, even when there seems to be love between the partners? Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship experts, have spent decades studying the dynamics of successful and failing relationships. Their research revealed that four specific behaviors are responsible for over 90% of relationship breakdowns. These behaviors are referred to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because of the devastation they can cause to a partnership. Identifying and eliminating these behaviors can be the key to saving a relationship before it’s too late.

The Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond constructive feedback. It’s not just addressing an issue but attacking your partner’s character. Instead of saying, “I feel upset when you forget to pick up after yourself,” criticism sounds like, “You’re so lazy and selfish; you never think about anyone else.”

2. Contempt

Contempt is one of the most destructive behaviors in any relationship. It involves sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, and sneering. When contempt enters the conversation, it signals that one partner feels superior to the other, and the respect that holds a relationship together begins to disintegrate.

3. Defensiveness

When people feel criticized, it’s natural to defend themselves. However, defensiveness is a way of shifting blame rather than taking responsibility. For example, if one partner says, “You forgot to pick up the groceries,” a defensive response would be, “Well, you forgot to pay the electric bill last month!”

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down during a conversation, refusing to engage or respond. This often happens when one person feels overwhelmed or hopeless. However, stonewalling leads to disconnection, leaving problems unresolved.

How to Counter the Four Horsemen: Strategies for Reunification

The good news is that it’s possible to address and reverse these damaging behaviors. By consciously implementing healthier communication strategies, couples can avoid further damage and start the process of healing and reunification. Here’s how:

1. Replace Criticism with Gentle Start-Up

Instead of criticizing, express your feelings and needs without attacking your partner. Start the conversation with “I” statements, such as, “I feel upset when the house is messy; can we work on keeping it tidy together?” This way, you’re expressing an issue without implying that your partner is flawed.

2. Build a Culture of Appreciation to Combat Contempt

Contempt can be remedied by creating a culture of appreciation in your relationship. Make a habit of expressing gratitude, admiration, and affection. When you start noticing and acknowledging the things your partner does well, it becomes harder to feel contempt. Simple acts of kindness, such as leaving a thank-you note or complimenting your partner, can go a long way.

3. Take Responsibility Instead of Being Defensive

If your partner brings up an issue, try not to react defensively. Instead, take responsibility for your role in the situation. Respond with empathy, saying, “You’re right, I forgot to do that. I’ll make sure it gets done next time.” By acknowledging your partner’s concerns, you open the door to resolution rather than escalation.

4. Practice Self-Soothing to Prevent Stonewalling

Stonewalling often happens when one partner feels emotionally overwhelmed. If you notice yourself or your partner shutting down, take a break to self-soothe. Step away from the conversation, take deep breaths or take a walk. The goal is to allow your body to calm down. Once you’re both calm, return to the conversation with the intention of listening and resolving the issue.

Couple Holding Hands

Couples Therapy: A Safe Space for Reconnection

If these behaviors have already taken root in your relationship, it can be difficult to break the cycle on your own. Couples therapy offers a safe and supportive space where both partners can express themselves and learn healthier ways to communicate. A trained therapist can help identify the underlying issues contributing to conflict and provide guidance on how to move forward together.

Therapists often use evidence-based approaches, such as Gottman Method Therapy, to help couples rebuild trust, communication, and intimacy. Through therapy, couples learn to resolve conflicts without resorting to the Four Horsemen, deepen their emotional connection, and reignite the positive aspects of their relationship.

Conclusion: Rebuilding Your Relationship is Possible

The Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are warning signs that a relationship is in trouble. However, these destructive behaviors don’t have to mean the end of your partnership. By replacing them with healthier communication strategies and seeking professional help, you can avoid further damage and work toward reunification.

If you or your partner are struggling with these issues, consider reaching out to a licensed couple's therapist to begin the journey of healing and reconnection. It’s never too late to rebuild a stronger, healthier relationship.

Would you like to explore more strategies for improving relationships or discuss how therapy can help your specific situation? Feel free to reach out to Renewed Journey, where we offer professional support for couples looking to strengthen their connection.